Scattered Thoughts in the Black
by Linik
Summary: Joker takes a moment to himself to sit back and reflect on losses and hurts of the past. This is a short One-Shot about a character from my tabletop game that I decided to post on here. It may turn into a longer story.


I don't own Firefly or any it's characters.

That being said this story does not mention any of the characters in the show these are all OC.

This story is something that I wrote for my tabletop gaming group about my character in our Firefly RPG. After writing it I decided to post it on here to see if anyone else would enjoy it instead of just letting it go to waste.

This takes place between what is season 4 and 5 of our table top game. If you want to know more about the story and how it came to this point let me know in the comments and I might decide to actually start writing the whole story.

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 **Scattered Thoughts in the Black.**

Smoke rose from a cigarette that was resting firmly in between Jokers lips as he stared out of the Polaris' bridge out into the black, taking note of the twinkling lights, most of them forever out of reach. There were few moments that he got to himself and he usually tried to make the most of said opportunity. He sipped at the glass of scotch he had in his hand and let out a soft hiss as he savored the feeling of the amber liquid as it left a pleasant burn on its way down.

Joker took another drag from his cigarette and let out a cloud of smoke to add to the already smoke filled bridge. His thoughts were going from one event to another. The most recent being the death of Buzzsaw, he had hoped that would be the end of his conflicts, and at last he would be able to offer his family some measure of peace. But the Battle over Saint Albans had changed everything, now war had erupted again. Joker frowned slightly as he put out the cigarette in the almost overflowing ashtray, and pulled out a new one and lit it.

War... If you had asked him two years prior if he wanted this, he would have answered a most definite yes. But now he was a Husband, a Father, and had a crew he considered family, one that he didn't wish to see any more of them hurt or dead, he didn't want to go to war with the alliance anymore. But this was a war that he had started, a war that he now felt obligated to see finished, to what ever the end result would be, win or lose. But this was his last war; he knew that, it was a sickening feeling in his gut, and a pain in his chest. He coughed a few times and glared at the cigarette for a second, before taking another strong drag from it.

Joker let out a sigh as his thoughts wandered to his wife, the woman he had loved since the moment he had first set his eye's on her, she was too good for him, always had been, even at her worst she was still a better person than he could ever hope to be. But after her attempted suicide and subsequent amnesia, he often wondered if he should be a decent human being for once and let her go, let her return to the Abby and take Little Cecil with her. They were at war, and though no where is truly safe, they would be safer there than they would be here on a warship. He blinked the mist out of his now stinging eyes; the truth was he was selfish; he wanted to have his cake and to eat it too. He wanted his wife back, and didn't want to let her go, even if there was a war going on.

Jokers eyes went the reflection in the glass of the hall way behind him that lead out of the bridge, Lil' Bit stood there looking at him, she seemed like she wasn't sure if she should approach or leave him to his thoughts. She had a look on her face like she wanted to say something but was debating if that was a good idea; she chewed her bottom lip and fidgeted with her pockets. Joker took another drag from his cigarette and looked away to refilled his glass of scotch and then looked back at the reflection to see an empty hallway. He frowned slightly, though he enjoyed his moments alone, he could have actually used the company right now. His thoughts of Lexi had left him feeling more alone than he would like.

"Shit..." He muttered as he looked back out to the stars. Lil' Bit was like a daughter to him, he had watched the girl grow up over the last four years and turn into a strong, capable and good young woman, pranks aside. He knew that one day he would pass the captaincy to her; she was the only one he trusted to handle it. Even though she had stepped down as First Officer and let Frosty take her place, Joker still knew that it would be Lil' Bit that would one day replace him as captain.

But thoughts of his former First Officer brought on thoughts of the man she had replaced. Though they had Rabbit back, they also didn't. Joker closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift to his best friend, and the nights that they used to have on the Xīnyào, sitting on the bridge smoking and having a few drinks, bullshitting about everything and about nothing at all. Sometimes they would just sit there quietly, as Rabbit worked on some program or another on his console, while he watched the stars like he was doing tonight. But they may never have moments like that again, Rabbit was a broken man, and when he talked to him it was almost like talking to a stranger. Like it was with Lexi…

Of course thinking about loss and former First Officers always brought on memories of his childhood friend. Smoker had been with him through think and thin growing up. He always followed Jokers lead. If Joker said they should steal his dads' crop duster and take it for a joy ride, that's what they did. When Joker joined the Alliance military, Smoker followed. When Joker defected and joined the Browncoats, so did Smoker. No matter the job, the situation or circumstance Joker knew that all he had to do is look to his right and Smoker would be there, until the battle of Serenity Valley.

Smoker had been Jokers wingman when they we're in the Alliance flying fighters, but when they defected, Joker couldn't bring himself to fly fighters anymore. He opted to fly a troop transport, dropping troops into some of the hottest warzones in the war. Naturally Smoker was right there with him and took the seat as co-pilot, and then there was Serenity Valley. Resources were stretched to their breaking point and that included pilots, Smoker was put into a fighter and set as a fighter escort. Joker watched his friend get shot out of the sky. He didn't see him again for almost five years; they had both thought the other was dead. But then they ran into each other at a bar at Serenity Valley no less, and it was just like old times, where Joker led Smoker followed, to his death. A simple smash and grab gone wrong and in an instant his friend was gone, and not even the best doctor in the 'Verse could save him.

Now there was this clone business and he didn't even want to start thinking about that. That was a can of worms that he was still trying to wrap his head around and it normally only pissed him the fuck off. Joker shook his head and took another strong draw from his cigarette.

The weight of his failures would often hit him in moments like this, and this moment was no different, he had failed a lot of people and those failures crashed into him like a collision in space at full burn. Driftwood, Smoker, JD *shudder*, Frank, Girl Scout, Heavy-arms, Boomer, Fancy pants, Dolly, Ghost, Rabbit, Lexi, ...Psycho... , Psycho was a source of guilt almost like no other, not only because he had been the one to murder his friend. But because it had caused such a rift between him and Lexi, and that whole situation was completely fucked.

Psycho had earned his call sign, he was a strange cat, but he was always well meaning, and had saved the crew more than once, he also thought the world of the crew and considered them as much family as Joker himself did, but he didn't know how to express it in normal words. Fucking Alliance, FUCKING BLUE SUN!

Joker felt the rage boil over as the scotch glass flew out of his hand and crashed into one of the windows. The amber liquid trailed down the window, Joker frowned and took a deep drag from his cigarette and calmed himself down as he continued to think about his friend, his capture by the Alliance was his fault too, which had led to a lot of death. All he had to do was tell him to stay out of that casino; He had known that Psycho had a gambling problem. All he had to have done was to order him not to go. Everything would have been different if he had, Girl Scout, and Heavy-Arms would still be sucking air, and wouldn't have been turned into cyber zombies by Buzzsaw. Lexi would never have developed her fear and hatred of readers which culminated with her shooting herself. Hell, if that had hadn't happened Psycho might have been able to warn Rabbit about taking that job for Badger. Joker sighed again and took a swig of scotch straight from the bottle.

But it was always Psychos death that had always bothered him the most. "Why did you just sit there and let me shoot you, Psycho? Why the fuck didn't you fight back? Why did you look at me with those understanding eyes and just let it happen? Fuck..." Joker whispered quietly to the empty room. He closed his eyes as he felt a few stray tears trickle down his face.

Joker sighed and took another drag from his cigarette the worst part about when he shot Psycho is it made Girl Scout and Heavy-Arms deaths completely pointless. They just threw their lives away for nothing. That whole rescue mission was just poin-

"Everything, alright, Cap'n?" He heard from behind him as his thoughts were interrupted, he didn't have to open his eyes to know it was Dave that was in the hallway behind him. Joker nodded and took a large gulp from the scotch bottle and replied a tone that said he didn't want him there "Yeah, I just dropped my glass, that's all." Dave stared for a moment longer before nodding "Aye, Cap'n!" he chirped and then turned around and left. Joker took another long drag from his cigarette and then exhaled a large cloud of smoke. Dave was a good guy, but he was a bit simple, and wouldn't understand what Joker was going through, and though Joker did want some company at this point, no company was better than bad company.

Joker frowned once again and then opened his eyes and checked the charts, they would be at Aphrodite in a few hours, and the crew would start to be buzzing around the ship soon. A small smile cracked Jokers face as the smell of Coffee reached his nose, informing him that Lexi was up. They would be planet side soon and that was something Joker always dreaded, nothing ever goes smooth planet side, and he knew the crew was looking forward to some shore leave, in his experience there was nothing relaxing about shore leave, just one problem after another. He preferred to stay out in the black, but the ship needed repairs, and he had to meet with the Admiralty of the New Resistance. Everything was about to change.

Joker stood up and stretched his leg braces clicked and groaned as he straightened out his legs. It was time to face the day he thought to himself as he headed for the mess hall to get a cup of coffee. As he walked into the mess hall he stopped when he saw his wife cooking and humming to herself as she worked. Jokers breath caught in his throat as he watched her buzz about the galley, Lexi looked as beautiful as she always did, her hair a bit of a mess not yet combed. Joker smiled and started to approach again; Lexi looked up and returned it with a slightly shy look. It made his heart ache when she looked at him like that, almost like he was a stranger.

"Good Morning, Captain." She said handing him a cup of coffee.

"Good Morning." He said in return and accepted the cup and went over the liquor cabinet and poured a bit of bourbon in the coffee. He was a scotch man, except with his coffee, he preferred to drink it with a splash of bourbon. He looked back at his wife before taking a seat to enjoy his coffee.

The day was about to start, and he had been alone with his thoughts for long enough.

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Please let me know what you think in the comments below and if you think I should write out the whole story.


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